Posted: January 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

If you’ve not heard of Chael Sonnen, let me give you a bit of backstory. He’s a 30-something Republican politician from the state of Oregon. He’s also a tremendously gifted mixed martial artist, and is currently employed by Zuffa LLC and the UFC. He’s ALSO a fucking maniac. Here’s why…

1. He was suspended for steroids

After his match for the UFC middleweight championship, Chael was popped for steroids. More specifically, an elevated level of testosterone in his blood results. He was suspended for a year pending appeal. Nothing massively unusual there, except Chael had told the Athletic Comission he would test positive, and they still let him fight. In his appeal, he claimed to suffer from hypogonadism, effectively saying he has tiny balls, and managed to mindfuck the California State Athletic Commission enough to have his suspension halved. This mindfuck involved so many lies that it became a lie within a lie within a lie, meaning Chael wins.

2.He’s been convicted of mortage fraud

Just as it seemed Sonnen was getting his career back in order, he was this week convicted of money laundering for mortage fraud. His other job, as a realtor, had led him to offer a sleazy kickback in order to sell a house, and he was busted for it. He was given a 10,000 dollar fine and a 2 year probationary sentence. Unsurprisingly, this means his fight in March is off. Where he would have earned much more than any kickback from the sale of that house.

3. He managed to troll himself in the fight of the year

Five rounds of unbelievable drama. Anderson Silva, the Middleweight champ and Pound For Pound best MMA fighter in the world, was one minute away from losing his title as Sonnen somehow defied all the odds and beat the absolute shit out of him, using his All American wrestling technique to dominate the fight on the ground. But with barely any time left, Chael contrived to get himself into a triangle choke from an exhausted, beaten man, to which he tapped out and lost the fight. The very same move he always loses to.

4. He said Lance Armstrong gave himself cancer

In one of Chael’s legendary pre-fight trash talking episodes, he calimed that Lance Armstrong gave himself cancer by doing steroids. Not only was this a staggering thing to say, but a few months  later he was obviously busted himself for steroids. Later Chael denied that he said this. Then later again he said he did say it, but he and Lance were old friends. Amazing.

5. He’s the only person in the world called Chael

What does it even mean. Is it short for Michael? Is it some mystical name from a far off land? Only one thing is certain; it’s the world’s most Republican name.

6. He won a parliamentary election as a Republican

But he was the only candidate. Doesn’t stop him boasting about his majority though.

7. He did not tap out

In a famous match against Paulo Filho, Sonnen was caught in an armbar. The fight was stopped, and Sonnen claimed to have not tapped out, despite tapping out verbally. He might be mental.

8. He pretended a hispanic version of himself was on twitter

Sonnen’s twitter feed @sonnench is amazing. It’s filled with incredible one-liners that push the boundaries of decency. When quizzed on it, though, he said he didn’t have a twitter, and that a hispanic version of himself was posting on it.

9 .He phoned up Rowdy Roddy Piper

To get tips on hyping up his fight against Anderson Silva, Chael called up RRP. He got very little help in response.

10. He’s an amazing athlete

Yes, despite the madness, Chael Sonnen is one of the best fighters in the world, steroids, mortages or otherwise. He’s a tremendous wrestler that can dominate anyone in his weight class, and he’s also one of the funniest, wittiest people anywhere.

The world would be a much darker place without Chael Sonnen, then. The fucking maniac.

GTA Pooch

Posted: January 6, 2011 in Humour
Tags: ,

The best thing that ever happened

Posted: January 5, 2011 in MMA
Tags: , ,

I was going to start my One A Day career with one of those ‘why I’m doing it’ posts. Then I thought, I need to do something more awesome than that. And nothing is more awesome than this.

Let me put it into context for you. The guy doing the off-the-cage kick is Anthony Pettis. He’s the number one contender for Benson Henderson’s lightweight world championship belt, and this is a Mixed Martial Arts contest in the WEC.

The WEC was a smaller fight company bought out by the UFC (who you’ve most likely heard of). They have now merged the two brands, and this was the last ever fight fought under the WEC banner and in its iconic blue cage. The winner of this ruck would not only take home the belt, but would immediately be thrust into number one contendership for the UFC’s own lightweight (155lb) strap. In other words, they’d go from a nobody into a fucking superstar.

So, it’s the 5th round (of 5 minutes apiece). The fight has been an incredibly exciting back and forth affair, and most learned folk have it scored evenly going into the final frame. With a few seconds to go and things still hanging tantalisingly in the balance, Anthony Pettis launched the bravest, boldest and most outrageously audacious thing I have ever seen in my life, leaping off the side of the cage and… well you can see the rest.

Now, understand that this doesn’t happen in MMA. No one springs off the cage like Tony Jaa. No one throws everything on the line like that, risking it all for that one moment of glory. But Pettis did. It’s one thing being ballsy in a major sporting contest – Jordan vs The Celtics; Beckham’s free kick against Greece. But in a sport where that risk could see your opponent literally remove you from a state of consciousness and dump you in a hospital bed for the night – well that’s another level entirely.

I was actually watching this fight in the Nero’s in Bournemouth. It was busy, and probably not ready for a scruffy man to leap from his seat screaming, which is what I would have done at home. Instead, I had to almost inhale my own excitement. It felt like I was ballooning up like Mario after he eats a P balloon (incidentally, if anyone knows what that P stands for, holla at your boy). I wanted to show the world this incredible event, but all I could do was clench my jaw and cautiously look around to make sure I didn’t look too mental.

So there you have it. The best thing that ever happened. Thanks One A Day. I’ll see you tomorrow.